Are you Watching Me?

 

I’ve recently acquired a stalker. Not one of the sexually obsessed ones. Not so far anyway, which is a relief. No, my stalker takes exception to me having an opinion and expressing it. It started after I posted a personal opinion on my blog to the effect that NaNoWriMo – writing 50,000 words towards a new novel in the month of November – was unsuited to my chaotic nature. Just me, not anyone else for whom the concept of NaNoWriMo is sheer heaven.

My stalker – who hasn’t got as far as using his actual name as yet – is a confusing fellow, able to combine an insult and a cheery salutation in a single phrase, ‘fuck you, buddy,’ for example. We’re never going to get along. I can see that. He’s from the USA, for a start. No-one from the UK ever calls me an ‘asshole.’ I’ve been called worse. Many times.

Sticks and stones, you may think. Well, yes, it’s only words. I’ve been on the receiving end of a few good hidings in my time and a few words, no matter how harsh, are not even remotely comparable. He concerns me though, my stalker. His woeful grammar in the main. His inability to punctuate correctly irks me. If you’re intending to insult me, have the decency to take some trouble about it. The failure to master the usage of an apostrophe, ever, is more painful than any of the words. Petty? Pedantic, even? Maybe. I apologise if you were off school when the correct usage of the apostrophe was covered. It’s just one of those little irritants that blight my appreciation of the written word.

You’re reading this, aren’t you, my little friend? You may well be following the words along the line with a grubby finger, but you’re checking me out. Note the way I just wrote ‘you’re checking me out.’ ‘You’re’ not ‘your.’ Remember that, next time you want to write ‘your shit’ it should be ‘you’re shit.’ A small detail, I know, but it makes for so much more pleasant reading. You need variety in your vocabulary. Easily done. One email contained 47 words, but 16 of them began with F. It won’t do (yes that’s won’t not wont), buddy. Won’t (there’s that pesky apostrophe again) do at all.

You see, I’ve been insulted by people with spectacular vocabularies. You’re not in their league. As for the recurring theme of your abuse: ‘you fucking suck, buddy,’ is okay as far as it goes, but, semantically speaking,  what’s it actually saying? A pejorative statement accompanied by what almost amounts to a declaration of friendship? What’s that all about?

Must do better. I’m enjoying our one-sided relationship hugely. I look forward so much to your emails, in spite of their poverty of expression. You see, I think I could help you in your struggle for expression. Become a mentor, perhaps. It may be that English is not your first language, but I suspect you just aren’t trying hard enough. Next time, draw up an action plan, consider your strategy with care, give it your best shot. I’ll still be here.

In view of your low opinion of my writing, perhaps you’d care to post a selection of your own work, perhaps a sonnet or even better a haiku. I’m always eager to learn from my betters.

Such a shame we’re so far apart. How much more rewarding it would be to meet face to face, exchange opinions frankly, perhaps get to know each other better. Of course there’s always the chance I could forget myself for a moment and knock you on your ‘fucking fat ass.’ I do hope not. I’d like us to be friends.

Your buddy,

Jake