All that Shagging.

We were talking to a couple we’d met on the roadside, rough campers like ourselves. That’s people who camp in the wild, not on sites, not ‘rough’ campers as such. Even though some are fairly rough, but enough about me!

While our respective Princesses sipped a decorous glass of wine, we men raked over the coals of a reluctant barbecue and talked about football. As you do.

Later the discussion turned to how they’d met as I’d already sussed this was a fairly recent partnership – the relentless politeness gave it away.

‘I met Janice through a dating agency,’ he said.

‘Oh yes?’

‘I’ll tell you what,’ my new friend said, moving closer in a conspiratorial fashion, I’ve never done so much shagging in my life. Every night a different one, all gagging for it.’

‘Really?’ I said, faintly, trying to keep any suggestion of jealousy out of my voice.

‘Oh yes. Went on for weeks, it did. Worked my way through most of the catalogue.’

‘There’s a catalogue?’ I asked, visions of the dauntingly thick examples I’d seen in Argos flooding my mind.

‘Well, they don’t call it that, but you just say what you’re looking for and they send you some names to pick from.’

I looked across the smoking charcoal to where Janice was topping up her glass. A nice enough woman, but ‘homely’ would be the kindest description I could offer.

‘You get a photo and a description of their likes and dislikes, you see? Enough to go on, even though most of the photos are not exactly recent. Can’t be too choosy, mind you. I’m no oil painting, I suppose.’

He looked at me and I nodded; trying to express agreement without it being perceived as an insult. He was a big man with good hair, but that was where the good points ended. He looked as if he liked a drink and had a nose that was impossible to ignore. I couldn’t take my eyes off it when we first met. Think of Concorde with attached nodules and you’re in the right area.

‘All that shagging.’ Oh, God he was off again with the shagging memories. ‘Don’t want to let them down, do you, but it was a bit of a chore sometimes.’

‘Hmm!’ I raked charcoal furiously, eyes averted from nose.

‘Good sense of humour, well they all put that, didn’t mention smoking ‘cos I didn’t want to cut down the numbers too much, you know?’

I nodded, guardedly. These meeting on the road affairs were always a leap into the unknown, but the girls were laughing away so I just stood there stoically, wondering how I could get the conversation back to football.

‘Enjoys socialising, going out, that’s another thing they all say, so I put that. Don’t want anyone who’s not interested in going down the pub, see? Looking for fun and possibly more. That was my advert. I was going to say looking for a relationship, but I was a bit worried I’d end up with a load of desperate clingers, see.’

‘Ah,’ I said. My input was minimal and I was content to keep it so.

‘All that shagging, ‘ he said again, his eyes glazing over. ‘Weeks and weeks of it. Never saw the same one twice either.’

I finally found the courage to ask the inevitable question. ‘How did you decide Janice was the one?’

He gave a raucous bellow which stopped conversation over by the vans. He waved to Janice and they resumed their chat. ‘Pure chance, really. She’s no looker, but there were other attractions.’

I raked frenziedly, hoping against hope there wouldn’t be a litany of Janices’ prowess between the sheets on the way, in exhaustive detail. We still hadn’t eaten.

‘She’s a good girl, Janice. Got a trick or two up her sleeve as well, if you know what I mean.’ He nudged me and I winced, but not from the dig of his elbow in my ribs. ‘No, I can get sex anywhere.’

I looked at that nose, his spreading gut, and said nothing. If he said so.

‘She’s a cracking mechanic, see? Her dad ran a garage in Leeds and she picked it all up there. Keeps the van running smooth, decent cook and can drink most men under the table. What more could anyone ask for. Yeah, after a couple of hours I knew she was the girl for me. Knew it, even before she dragged me off to bed. Mind you, that made my eyes water. When she…’

‘Anyone want a drink over there?’ my wife called out and I broke the world twenty yards record in rushing over, glass in hand. I wasn’t exactly gasping, but it was the most timely interruption I’d come across for some time.

Much later, after a very pleasant evening, and back in our own van, my wife brought me up to speed on Janice.

‘They met on an online dating agency,’ she said.

‘Yes, I know.’

‘She felt sorry for him at first. The nose and everything, but things livened up when they were in bed. Honestly, Jake, I didn’t know where to put myself. She went into all the details.’

‘Go on.’

‘He was so shy, she thought he was a virgin at first. Hopeless, she said.’

‘Really?’

‘Oh he’s a bit better now, apparently, but she loves him to bits anyway. He’s brilliant at football and history.’

‘Eh?’

‘Pub quizzes. She knows pop music, soaps, current affairs stuff and between them they clean up at pub quizzes. That’s their secret, she said, having a shared interest. The sex is no more than so-so, but they both like a drink and are perfect together. That’s how she put it, perfect together.’

‘Oh, right,’

‘Just like you and Jake, she said. I agreed with her, of course.’ I could feel her shaking with laughter. ‘Before you ask, no I never gave her any details. Your secrets are safe, for now.’