Merry Christmas, from my Stalker.

 

A while ago now, I wrote a blog post about NaNoWriMo, explaining why the creation of a new project with a specific word count to be delivered within a fixed period was unsuited to such a disorganised wretch as myself. I added a rider to the effect that those people ‘doing’ NaNoWriMo had my utmost respect and admiration and my non-participation was entirely due to my own pathetic inadequacies.

It was intended as self-deprecation; the widespread perception elsewhere was of NaNo-bashing. A few insults swirled around; having the same effect as all the other insults aimed at me in the past, but one man hung on in there.

My new ‘friend’, destined to attain hero status in my eyes as my first stalker is male, lives in the USA and has never heard of the apostrophe. I advised him, as best I could, on such points as writing ‘your shit’ when the intention behind the words was to convey ‘you’re shit,’ but my best efforts fell on deaf ears. ‘Your shit buddy’ was to be a staple ingredient of all subsequent messages. He wrote several times a day for a month, then all fell silent. Naturally, I panicked. Concerned for the welfare of my ‘buddy’ and most reliable correspondent, I wrote and enquired about him. Had the men in white coats returned? Taken him back to the secure unit from which he’d been mistakenly released? No answer came.

Today, joy unconfined, he came back. Here’s a sample of his message. I’ve left out the unkind comments as they’re intended solely for myself and I treasure them. The words and spelling are his alone.

‘Ive read all your blog now. (Me – forgive the apostrophe bypass – I’ve tried!) All of it. If you just wrtote storys and stopped pontyficatting about how other people shoud write youd be ok. Plenty people write better than you so keep opinons to youself. Frends om mine write books, buddy and I know what Im talking about. You can write well when you try and you shold stick to that and stop telling other people what to do. I said some things to you that I shouldnt have said and Im sorry about that, buddy. Have a good Christmas season and keep on writing.’

He feels badly about saying some of the things he’s said to me. Even though, in other sections of the message, he’s still saying them. On my part, I feel awkward about my own disparaging remarks about my stalker. He means well. I can see that. Maybe I should take his advice and stick to writing ‘storys’ from now on, letting other, wiser, people dish out advice or comment.

Or maybe I should do what I want to do and not take advice from a semi-literate cretin. I’ll let you form your own conclusions. ‘You’re shit, buddy.’ There you are. As Punch would have said. ‘That’s the way to do it.’ That’s Punch of Punch and Judy fame. Not to be confused with Richard and Judy who are mere puppets existing only for the amusement of small minds.