About Jake Barton

Jake Barton used to be someone completely different – this is a massive step down. Jake was known by another name for many years . He was younger then, clever, hirsute, handsome, good company, sensible and superbly fit. None of the above apply now.

During the course of an unconventional life, touched by wanderlust, involving much movement around the globe, he has been a labourer in a steel-works, taught English and History, been a work-study engineer, a restaurateur, civil servant, Nightclub bouncer, antique dealer, owned a small French vineyard and also had another job that he’s not supposed to talk about.

To define Jake Barton in one word would be difficult. “Wastrel” comes pretty close.

He writes, sporadically. Very occasionally, his writing meets acceptable standards.

Ten Things about Jake Barton. (Not necessarily interesting things)

I was interviewed a while ago by the very lovely Kim Jewell, a fine writer and, far more importantly, a good friend. Kim asked me questions about myself, knowing how carefully I guard my privacy and I agreed, on the basis that not all my replies would be truthful. Has anyone ever agreed such a ludicrous condition, in advance, before?

An old friend read the interview recently and told me she hadn’t known some of the ‘facts’ and assumed they were the false replies. In every case, they were true! She told me off for being so precious, mocked my paranoid nature and told me to put a list of ten things about Jake Barton on my blog. They must all be true!

Okay, here’s a list, including the ‘facts’ assumed to be false that were actually true.

1. My name isn’t really Jake Barton. That isn’t my real name, but it’s MY name, for now. A year ago, I was Jared Conway, had been Jared for almost twenty years and only a very few people knew me by my real name. A security issue, since resolved, brought about a new name, for online usage at least and I picked Jake. Such a manly, no-nonsense name. My wife very rarely calls me by my real name.

2. Travel is my passion. I have been deliriously happily married to the same fantastic woman for a ludicrous number of years and there is so much more I want to do with my life, even in my dotage! We’re free spirits, have sold or given away most of our possessions and are happiest when on the open road, travelling. We don’t make plans, don’t think beyond what’s round the next bend in the road. It’s not everyone’s idea of sense, but it suits us.

3. I’m a fanatical Liverpool fan, follow the red men home and away whenever possible, including five European Cup Finals. I made my first visit to Anfield at the age of seven, unaccompanied, travelling there on foot, and have been smitten ever since.

4. Kim asked me, ‘where do you live?’ That’s tricky. Here’s the answer I gave her. I’ve lived in many places. On a beach, in a cave, in the back of a van, in a penthouse, in a ruined house with no roof but magnificent views, in a desert, in a squat with heroin addicts, in a prison cell – all of the above, at different times. Wherever I lay my hat wouldn’t be far off the mark. I’ve owned 22 different properties, lived hand to mouth, all dependent on circumstances. Presently, my home is a camper van, lacking most of the acknowledged comforts of home.

Leaving holidays and ‘passing through’ places aside, I’ve spent periods of more than two months in nine different countries. Favourite country, France. Best place to live, New Zealand.

5. I have an IQ of 164, equating to one person in 100,000, apparently.  This does not mean I am clever, just a fact. Others, took this to mean intelligence, more fools they. (I said 184 in Kim’s interview, just to muddy the water somewhat.)

6. I played sport, at county level, – the Brits will know what I mean, others think State level – in five different sports.

7. I was once, while living in London many years ago, a poster boy for a gay magazine. I was photographed, without my knowledge, and appeared on the cover of a magazine for gay men. As a heterosexual male, not my proudest hour, yet I still have the magazine. Hmm!

8. I’ve made several dubious decisions that could have had serious consequences. A few years ago I crossed several hundred miles of the Sahara without any support system or anyone knowing where I was. I also swam across Loch Ness, alone, which wasn’t terribly bright with hindsight.

My body is fast approaching the wreckers’ yard. Sport is partly to blame. I’ve broke my nose seven times, broken at least twenty other different bones, been in traction twice and had four knee operations.

As for work, well I’ve had guns pointed at me, including having the trigger pulled twice only for the gun to fail to fire, (well, obviously), received numerous kickings and had fights on a regular basis, not all of which were won!

9. I read three or four books a week and have done since my early teens. I’ve written four full-length books, seven stage plays (only two performed in public), and several hundred poems. There are three novels parked on my computer, each with in excess of 50,000 words in the bank. Will I ever finish them? No idea.

10. I’m meeting a publisher soon. He got in touch when my e-books began selling in large numbers and is persistent. I’ve had similar conversations with other publishers and agents in the past year, but this one won’t give up. He insists he can make me wealthy and famous. That’s probably the worst opening gambit of all time, for me. See, I am not remotely interested in money or fame. My lifestyle allows me to do whatever I want to do, go where I want to go, whenever I want to do it. I wouldn’t give up any of that in exchange for wealth. Although we haven’t had ‘proper’ jobs for many years, we’ve lived in different countries, bought, renovated and sold houses to earn enough to live on and have now downsized, drastically, to the point at which money need never be a concern as our needs are modest. I’ll meet him, hear him out, but the open road is calling. I want mountains and deserts, not a large bank balance. My friend who prompted this list said to me, ‘you’re a weird bugger, Jake. Always have been.’

Can’t argue with that.